Like Fallen Roses
by Liez
Summary: Sequel to Acceptance. A Genrou x Houjun fiction. What happened after Fate gave them a second chance? Updated 10/5/02 [Epilogue up] [Completed]
1. Author's Note

Author's Note

I was planning to retire for a while, actually, but reading through my reviews, I do realize which are the stories that really keep me, and Acceptance is one of them. Thanks to all of you out there who asked for a sequel, you are all a big part of why I continue to write. I hope to make this good.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me but the story.

Rights: No part of my works is to be reproduced/plagiarized/posted elsewhere without my permission.


	2. Prologue

Prologue

The door opened slightly and he whirled, the present in his hands, and a half smile on his face, until he caught sight of who it was that waited for him.

"Kourin?"

The dark-haired woman framed in the doorway looked at him out of tear-stained eyes. Her hair was messy, half-out of its clip and scattered across her pale cheeks, and her eyes red and swollen from crying. Her clothes barely matched, and her posture, slumped and dejected, alerted him to the fact that something was terribly wrong.

"Kourin?" he asked cautiously, bending and putting the present down on the bed, and then taking a step towards his friend. "What's happened?"

She cringed in on herself as her eyes squeezed shut. "Houjun…"

"Did anything happen to Hikou?"

She shook her head violently, and the sobs intensified.

@@@

Genrou parked the car in the lot, and then, whistling, switched off the radio and lights as he pulled the key out of the ignition. Opening the door and sliding out, the black suede boots making firm contact with the ground, he looked up and wondered if Houjun had opened the present yet. It _was_ their one-year anniversary, and it fell coincidentally on his lover's birthday. He had gotten him a set of silk shirts, complete with matching ties and wrist cuffs. Houjun had complained the other day that he had had no time to shop since the business began making headway. He had included a bottle of wine in the box, as well as a small packet of dark chocolate shaped in hearts. Berating himself for the extreme sap factor he had indulged in, Genrou locked the car and walked to the elevator.

@@@

"Kourin?" Houjun was getting alarmed by now. "Calm down. Tell me what's the matter?"

She shook her head at him, and then, looking away, breathed shakily, in, out, exhaling with a tremble of her slim shoulders. Then she straightened and looked at him directly, as his eyebrows knotted together, puzzled.

"I—I'm in love with you, Houjun."

@@@

Still humming softly under his breath, Genrou stepped into the lift and pressed a button, leaning softly on the back rail. The numbers on the top row lighted up as the elevator ascended, and he thought about what else there would be. He had made reservations at a small restaurant tonight, a private affair, just him, Houjun and nobody else. Smiling to himself, he stood and jingled his car keys absentmindedly.

@@@

He blanched.

"What?"

She stepped closer, with determination and hope so clear in her eyes he began to feel trapped. "I mean it, Houjun. I've been with Hikou for so long…but when I heard you were back in town, and living here with your—your boyfriend, I couldn't hide it anymore. I—I love you, Houjun."

He was feeling slightly breathless now. "There—there's nothing I can do about that, Kourin."

Disappointment and hurt flared in her face, and he regretted what he said almost immediately. "I'm sorry."

Tears welled up in her eyes as she moved in front of him, and darted so quickly in front of him he barely had time to register her proximity. "No. You –don't– understand, Houjun."

And before he could reply to that, she took that final step and kissed him just as the elevator doors behind her opened.


	3. Do you remember me?

Chapter One

As another phone rang in a distant corner of the office, a harried-looking Myou Jyuan raced past Houjun to answer it, meeting his partner's eyes for a moment and rolling his own in response as he picked up the receiver and began talking. The latter chuckled and resumed editing the project that was due in a few days. Public relations had been more profitable than either of them could have imagined, and business was really picking up these days due to Myou Jyuan's own connections and the company's appreciable talent pool. He looked up from his desk and contemplated, his thoughts wandering even as his eyes roamed over the room, taking in the contemporary style and bustle. Yes. Business was doing very well indeed.

As he bent his head to resume writing, the framed picture beside his telephone caught his eye.

It was a familiar picture, a simple, stark crayon drawing in blue and red marker, crudely outlined, but the memories behind it still held dear to him, especially when his gaze moved to the smaller, card picture tucked comfortably into a corner of the frame. It was a casual shot of Genrou, dressed in a baggy red sweater, grinning into the camera and holding up a set of keys. That was right. It had been taken when the new car had come. But he wasn't really thinking about that.

*Flashback

He looked up just as Saihitei grabbed him in an arm-lock and Ryuuen proceeded to mercilessly shove ice down his shirt. Houjun shouted and struggled free as the instructor laughed at him uncontrollably, and Ryuuen tottered unsteadily, before he revised his options and advanced on the inexperienced skater with a menacing look on his face. Ryuuen squeaked as Saihitei glided for cover, looking over his shoulder with that wicked grin on his face.

Then suddenly, a bright spot of color outside the rink caught his eye.

_That looks familiar…_

And as wild, feral eyes, dancing with light, blazed up and trapped his gaze, he blinked, unable to believe what he was seeing.

The figure moved closer, large, confident strides that closed the gap in between them rapidly, before stopping at the plastic barrier that separated them. And then…a hand rose and waved.

Houjun tried to ignore the lump that rose in his throat as he stilled. Ryuuen was looking at him, puzzled, and then following his gaze. _It's him. It's Genrou. _

He came back.

He didn't know whether to laugh or cry as he started, skating swiftly towards the redhead, his gaze fixed on the solitary figure. And then he stopped, face to face, apart only by a few inches and a wall. 

"Hi," he managed finally, as he looked at the young man standing before him. Genrou had changed. The years had done nothing to harm his appearance. His hair seemed darker now, longer, the edges brushing against the slim collarbone. He was darker, dressed in an understated denim jacket over a white shirt and pants. _His eyes…_he almost hesitated to look, but when he did all he met was a frank gaze full of determination and clarity, and feeling. 

"Hello, Houjun." The amber eyes softened and a small smile curved the lips he remembered with sudden, disarming detail. The voice was deeper, huskier, more knowing and confident, every nuance of its sound trickling through his body like warm wine. _He's here. He's right in front of me. I'm not dreaming._

"Remember me?"


	4. To know you again

Chapter Two

He abruptly realized that it had been a few minutes since Genrou had spoken, and was more than acutely aware of the rising flush in his cheeks. The red-haired man looked away slightly, and it took a while to register that his shoulders were shaking. Genrou was laughing. 

@@@

He looked so adorable, standing there with his mouth slightly open in surprise and with the blush that worked its way up his skin, that he had to stifle his outright amusement. A faded blue cap was perched on his head, shadowing his eyes slightly that he couldn't read the emotions that flickered there. 

Houjun had changed so much, and yet it seemed like only yesterday that he had last seen him. The former, bright blue locks had been trimmed to a shorter, neater cropped cut, and dyed so black it gleamed dark blue under the white lights. He seemed a tad better built now, slightly heavier about the shoulders, but his skin was just as fair as he remembered, if paler against the dark green shirt he was wearing. 

"Can we talk without this?" he gestured to the plastic barrier which separated them, and cocked his head towards the main entrance. Houjun nodded, still not speaking after the initial greeting. 

As he made his way forward, he could feel the other's eyes on his back, could sense him following, and tried not to show that despite his outward bravado, he was quaking inside.

_This is going terribly. I just know it. I look terrible. I should have worn something else... _

What if he hates me!?!? 

That last thought hit him with a velocity that made his palms sweat. And then he turned the corner, and waiting there, expressionless, Houjun stood leaning slightly against the counter, looking at him.

@@@

As Genrou walked towards him, he felt his usual composure crumble like dry biscuits. The familiar gait, combined with the sheer physical presence of the man he had dreamed about for the last four years, was enough to make his knees tremble slightly, and he leaned on the counter for support.

@@@

_I don't care if he hates me. No. I do care! But it's not going to stop me… Well if he doesn't care it'll stop me, all right…argh what am I thinking? Okay…breathe in…breathe out…don't think…just do it…_

@@@

They stood there, contemplating each other for a while, both at a complete loss as to how to begin. Then Houjun took a deep breath.

"How are—"

He was cut off when Genrou advanced and pulled him roughly into his arms. Shocked, the words dangled in the air and he looked up, his bones turning almost entirely to jelly as the redhead reached out and lifted his chin slightly, before spontaneously kissing him full on the lips, right there in front of everybody.

"I missed you, Houjun," the whisper was soft, yet he caught it as clearly as if the other had shouted it out. "Oh. I'm fine, thank you," he added as an afterthought, pulling back slightly and smiling at the ground, his long red bangs hiding his eyes. Before Houjun could think of what else to say, Genrou solved the problem for him.

"I just want to say I'm sorry."

His heart tightened. "I'm sorry too," he whispered back.

Yet something told him that apologies didn't matter now.

*End of Flashback


	5. Starting a beginning

Chapter Three

He stared, unfocused, at the picture a little longer, remembering. They had shared a good time together that day, a good time free of the secrecy and hush. And up till now, a month later, despite everything in his mind telling him that it was a dream, he didn't want to wake up.

*Flashback

They sat in the pizza parlor, Genrou sniffing suspiciously at the air, before his eyes slid over to the quiet man opposite him. "Hey," he called, waving a hand in front of the other and snapping his fingers. "You okay?"

Houjun smiled. _I'm more than okay, you silly git._ To change the subject and hopefully distract his thoughts from heading into uncharted territory, he leant forward slightly and began talking about something else.

"You work as a doctor now?"

Genrou nodded. Houjun was secretly surprised no end over that latest development. "A surgeon, actually. I chose medicine as my major when I got sent to the university. I just got home a few days ago, but the letter for my posting came this morning. Guess I'll have to go back and look at it later."

"Ah."

"What about you?"

"Me?" he replied, leaning back and folding his arms over his chest. "I've got a business going…public relations." Genrou blinked and raised his eyebrow. Houjun laughed genuinely this time.

"I know, I know, I don't seem the type to talk, do I? But I write speeches very well, apparently."

The pizza came, and they looked at each other for a moment as the waitress set it down and walked off, each hesitating to do something, and yet there was a very real urge present in the air, that if neither did anything, this would be the end chapter in a book, the closure of what had never had a chance to be finished four years ago. 

"Hey—"

"Genrou—"

@@@

_Aw shucks. Now I know what they mean by déjà vu…_

Genrou gulped. "You go first."

"No it's all right, you go first."

Genrou cringed inwardly. _What should I say? What can I say? _ If time before he had been frightened and shy, this time he was righteously so. He knew the words that had to be spoken, words of regret and every other emotion he had felt since that day he had left Houjun, unheeding his calls and the clear hurt in his eyes. Yet they wouldn't come. He sighed, counted to ten silently in his head, and then threw all caution to the wind.

"I want you back, Houjun."

_I did it. I did it._ His eyes squeezed shut as he began a litany of silent prayers. _Please don't let him laugh…please make him feel the same w—_

A hand on his arm made him start, and as he looked up, warm lips tasting of cool mint captured his in a kiss. It wasn't an innocent kiss, not like the kind they had shared long ago. It was a kiss of reality, of hidden emotions, of—of love. And he could scarcely believe it was happening. 

Not that he minded.

*End of Flashback

"Stop daydreaming, Houjun!" Myou Jyuan hollered into his business partner's eye, and the other man gave a guilty jump and flushed so red that the other had to laugh.

"You've been off all day. What's the matter?"

"Ah—" he began. A sly look came over his friend's face. 

"Right. I forgot. Birthday _and_ anniversary."

Houjun stared at Myou Jyuan narrowly. How –did– the man come by these bits of information anyway?

"Go home," Myou Jyuan moved forward and unceremoniously grabbed the papers he had been working on. "You're useless here today."


	6. Unwanted confession

Chapter Four

He smiled at the security guard as the barrier lifted and he drove his white Beetle into the condominium grounds, heading for a spot close to the far end where his apartment was located. Switching off the engine, he leaned over, grabbed his briefcase, and then exited the car, humming softly to himself.

He didn't see the small figure detach itself from the shadows after he had entered the elevator, and stand there, where he had stood.

@@@

He entered the apartment and closed the door without locking it. He could bet that Genrou, who was supposed to come by after his shift at the hospital, would have lost his set of keys. As he peeled off his shoes and walked barefoot to the living room, he caught sight of the large, wrapped box set on the low coffee table.

Laughing softly in surprise, he walked over and sat down, before grabbing the candy-striped red and white cover and lifting it off. Inside, placed on top, was a white card.

_Happy birthday, happy anniversary, Houjun._

It was simple, but it made him smile slowly nevertheless. He stood and was about to make his way to the kitchen when he heard the sound of the door being opened. He whirled, the present in his hands, and the half smile still lingering on his face, until he caught sight of who it was that waited for him.

"Kourin?"

The dark-haired woman framed in the doorway looked at him out of tear-stained eyes. Her hair was messy, half-out of its clip and scattered across her pale cheeks, and her eyes red and swollen from crying. Her clothes barely matched, and her posture, slumped and dejected, alerted him to the fact that something was terribly wrong.

"Kourin?" he asked cautiously, bending and putting the present down on the bed, and then taking a step towards his friend. "What's happened?"

She cringed in on herself as her eyes squeezed shut. "Houjun…"

"Did anything happen to Hikou?"

She shook her head violently, and the sobs intensified.

@@@

Genrou parked the car in the lot, and then, whistling, switched off the radio and lights as he pulled the key out of the ignition. Opening the door and sliding out, the black suede boots making firm contact with the ground, he looked up and wondered if Houjun had opened the present yet. It _was_ their one-year anniversary, and it fell coincidentally on his lover's birthday. He had gotten him a set of silk shirts, complete with matching ties and wrist cuffs. Houjun had complained the other day that he had had no time to shop since the business began making headway. He had included a bottle of wine in the box, as well as a small packet of dark chocolate shaped in hearts. Berating himself for the extreme sap factor he had indulged in, Genrou locked the car and walked to the elevator.

@@@

"Kourin?" Houjun was getting alarmed by now. "Calm down. Tell me what's the matter?"

She shook her head at him, and then, looking away, breathed shakily, in, out, exhaling with a tremble of her slim shoulders. Then she straightened and looked at him directly, as his eyebrows knotted together, puzzled.

"I—I'm in love with you, Houjun."


	7. Misunderstanding

Chapter Five

Still humming softly under his breath, Genrou stepped into the lift and pressed a button, leaning softly on the back rail. The numbers on the top row lighted up as the elevator ascended, and he thought about what else there would be. He had made reservations at a small restaurant tonight, a private affair, just him, Houjun and nobody else. Smiling to himself, he stood and jingled his car keys absentmindedly.

@@@

He blanched.

"What?"

She stepped closer, with determination and hope so clear in her eyes he began to feel trapped. "I mean it, Houjun. I've been with Hikou for so long…but when I heard you were back in town, and living here with your—your boyfriend, I couldn't hide it anymore. I—I love you, Houjun."

He was feeling slightly breathless now. "There—there's nothing I can do about that, Kourin."

Disappointment and hurt flared in her face, and he regretted what he said almost immediately. "I'm sorry."

Tears welled up in her eyes as she moved in front of him, and darted so quickly in front of him he barely had time to register her proximity. "No. You _don't_ understand, Houjun."

And before he could reply to that, she took that final step and kissed him just as the elevator doors behind her opened.

His blood froze as his eyes met amber ones, shock and horror in their fiery depths. 

@@@

_What…?_

He stepped back into the elevator, numb at the sight that had greeted him, his keys clattering to the floor. In that one split second, his heart shattered, and he stumbled backwards and fell to his knees just as the lift doors slid close. He looked up, staring at the two who were locked in an embrace, and a kiss. His eyes met Houjun's, and held the accusation as plainly as though he had shouted, before he choked, a single sob that wracked his body as he moved forward and blindly pressed the button. 

_I have to get out of here._

The lift began to descend.

@@@

His mind screamed shrilly at him, and with an ungentle nature he had never known he possessed, he gripped the slim arms of his friend and shoved her backwards, hard. She was shocked, and genuinely pained; he could see it in her expression, her eyes, the limp way she slid to the floor, gazing at him with tears on her cheeks. But he couldn't stop to help her, now. Without a backward glance, he raced out of the apartment and jabbed the lift buttons, his eyes fixed on the glowing numbers that went down, down to the ground floor. The other lift chimed, and he bolted into it, praying for it to go faster as his heart thudded dully in his chest.

The lift doors opened, and he rushed out just in time to see the taillights of the red Alfa Romeo pull away into the night with a screech of its tires.


	8. What's that?

Chapter Six

It was late. He drove back in past the gates, and steered to the familiar parking spot. The digital clock read 11:19. He had been on the road for four hours already, to all the places he and Genrou used to go, any place at all, which held memories of their being together. But he hadn't found the younger man, and somewhere along the way, he had stopped crying even as his eyes burned with the urge to.

Houjun alighted from the car, locking it mechanically behind him, and then turning to walk to the lobby. He remembered vaguely that the apartment door had been left open, but it was a fact that held little interest to him at that point in time. As he stepped into the lift, he grabbed his head in his hands and bit his lip.

_How did things get this way? It was supposed to be a perfect evening…a celebration of our second chance, Genrou…_

The soft tinkling chimes as the lift doors slid open alerted him to the fact that he had reached his floor, and he stepped out, his posture one of dejected moroseness. Kourin was nowhere in sight. And then he saw the figure sitting on the rail of the balcony through the open door of the apartment, and his heart leapt. Had Genrou come back?

He practically flew forward, his heart beating rapidly in hope and exhilaration, and the figure turned at the sound of his entrance. His heart sank.

"Hikou," he whispered, shaking his head in disbelief. 

"Hey, Houjun." His best friend jumped off the rail and walked towards him, his dark eyes fixed on him. Hikou had lost weight. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he walked with tiredness in his step that could not be disguised.

"Hikou," he repeated, staring helplessly at the other man as he approached him. He could think of nothing to say. What _could_ he say? 

"I know Kourin came to you earlier today."

He stiffened immediately, his shoulders tensing in anger, but he held it in, not trusting himself to speak. Hikou noticed, but didn't comment as he stopped in front of Houjun.

"I'm so sorry, Houjun."

_Don't start. Please, don't start._

"I've been neglecting Kourin a lot lately, Houjun. I practically pushed her into your arms, I guess," he gave a short, bitter laugh. "And…she always had a thing for you, you know?"

It was by sheer willpower that Houjun managed to keep his arms by his side. The anger and frustration was boiling over by now, and only common sense held him back as he stood, rigidly, his gaze fixed on the ground in an attempt to maintain control. How he wanted to hit out, at something, at anything!

"So?" he asked in a low voice.

"Well, I really do love her," Hikou's voice wavered slightly. "I want her back…if she'll have me."

Panic seized him. Would Genrou ever come back? The fog of doubt clouded his mind so, that he only noticed that Hikou had stopped talking when the latter patted his shoulder.

"What?" he snapped.

Hikou looked away. And then spoke abruptly. "I have cancer, Houjun."


	9. To try and make amends

Chapter Seven

_Cancer. Hikou has cancer?_

He stared at his best friend, his own misery clean wiped off the slate in that instant where time seemed to freeze. _Hikou?_ This was the boy who had grown up with him, the one with whom most of his childhood memories revolved around. It was improbable. Impossible.

"What?" he croaked.

Hikou smiled softly and looked away. "It's…it's not that bad, Jun. Sure, it hurts sometimes, and then other times I just see three of you…"

_No. Please, no._

"Does Kourin know?"

Hikou moved to walk past him, but stopped when they were shoulder to shoulder, pausing for a moment and bowing his head. "She doesn't. I—I thought hiding it from her would let me have some happy last days, you know?" He smiled mirthlessly, more to himself than to the other man. "It didn't work out very well, did it?"

"I'm sorry. For not telling you earlier. You're my best friend, Houjun."

He left.

@@@

The streetlights reflected off the sleek red car as it passed noiselessly into the tunnel and came out on the other side, the orange glow bouncing off the unruly crimson hair of the driver.

As he drove around in his car, aimlessly, he noted that it was nearly five in the morning, and that the ache in his shoulders was not just due to the cramped position he had been too shaken to notice he was in. _God…I still have to report for work in two hours…_ Grim resolution filled him as he realized he would have to write in for a change of post in order to avoid—no, he wouldn't think of him. _I won't let you play with my heart like this._

Wearily, he guided the car into the side lane, leaning forward briefly to pull the keys out after winding the window half down. As he pulled the seat back and reclined uncomfortably onto the cushion he grabbed from the back, he closed his eyes, and the images he had been trying so hard to keep at bay flashed into his mind almost mockingly. Despairingly, he squeezed his eyes tightly shut, praying that the tears wouldn't fall.

__

Shit…I'm all out of tissues already…

Have you been leading me on all along, Houjun?

@@@

She opened the door tiredly, only to see the one face that had haunted her for the past nights.

"Houjun?" she whispered in disbelief.

It was five in the morning. He was ragged, and his shirt hung messily crumpled about his slumped posture. His hair was all over his face, tucked crudely behind his ears, and he looked up from the ground as she stood there in shock.

"Kourin."

"What is it?" she asked, alarm written on her face as she stepped forward and braced him. He was nearly falling, he was so tired. She could understand how he was feeling. Because she had not caught the best of sleep after she had fled from his apartment, either. Concern, mixed with a whirlwind of emotions, tore at her heart.

"There's something you need to know."


	10. Being away from him

Chapter Eight

The door creaked open slightly, and Genrou tensed as he heard the soft footsteps approach. He was lying on the couch in his small, allotted office, trying to rest as best as he could before the operation he had to do at eleven. It was cold in the office at this time of the morning, though. He pulled his dark coat closer about his body and pretended to be asleep. He didn't feel like being bothered right now. Then a sudden thought made him freeze, and squeeze his eyes tighter shut. What if it was him? What if it was Houjun? Had he come to look for him here? He mentally steeled himself to rise and bolt if it were the case. 

"Genrou?" the hesitant, cultured voice of a senior doctor and friend made the tension leave his frame immediately as he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the couch. "Nyan-nyan!" Then he noticed, the white envelope she held in her hand, and her small frown as she came over and sat beside him uninvited.

"I just saw this. I figured something must be wrong."

He closed his eyes and tried to smile. "Nothing's wrong."

She chuckled and placed a maternal hand on his knee, tapping it gently. "Then why do you want me to transfer you? You just got here barely half a year ago, Genrou. And you've been a great surgeon here."

He smiled inwardly. She did have a soft spot for nearly every employee at the hospital under her charge. Outwardly, his expression remained bland. "I—I just do."

She gave a small sigh. "Is that really necessary, or are you just running away from something, hmm?"

His eyelids flew open. Did she know anything? Had Houjun been there? Was he there, this very minute? He kept silent.

Nyan-nyan stared penetratingly at him a moment longer, than rose and brushed her long white coat, before reaching up to adjust her tortoiseshell glasses. "If you really insist, Genrou. We'll miss you here. When do you need to be transferred by?"

"Tomorrow," his voice was soft, strangled and decidedly unconvincing even to his own ears. The older woman merely nodded, before leaning forward unexpectedly and patting his shoulder.

"Well you still have an operation to do today. Don't stress yourself out, will you?"

She smiled at him, a brief smile, before the sounds of her heels clicking against the floor as she turned and left. He stared at the closed door a moment later, then sprawled back onto the couch.

@@@

It was morning. Golden rays filtered in through the cracks of the blinds, and Houjun awoke to the comfort of sun-warmed blankets. _This is nice…_ he snuggled in further in between the sheets, when his eyes landed on the wall opposite him. There was a clock, and the room was painted in a shade of fresh cherry. _This isn't my room…_

He jerked upright with a start, and the events of yesterday flooded back into his mind.

*Flashback

She had turned a ghastly white, her pallor making her red-rimmed eyes appear even larger, magnifying the lost look in their brown depths. He saw her hand reach out, to prop herself against the wall and steady herself.

"And all along I thought he had stopped caring…" she whispered, more to herself than to him.

__

And that was why you thought you loved me. But in truth, Kourin, you never did. You never did.

She let out a small cry, choked in her throat.


	11. Apologies?

Chapter Nine

She crumpled up against the side of the wall as sobs wracked her body. "He never told me…oh, Houjun…he never told me…"

He looked away and tried to stop the burning in his throat. "He needs you now, more than ever."

*End of Flashback

_That's right…I told Kourin everything…she knows now…_

Knows what? his heart answered bitterly, _that my best friend has terminal cancer?_ For a long moment, he just sat there and wished with all his heart it was only a bad dream, a dream he would wake up from sooner or later. Too bad dreams were also illusions.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and took a deep breath, catching his reflection out of the corner of his eye, and turning to face the mirror. "God, I'm messed up," he spoke detachedly to himself, reaching up to push his fringe out of his slightly swollen eyes. 

Just then, the door opened, and he started, involuntarily half-rising from the sheets. A mix of emotions flooded him as Kourin peered around the doorway, a small tray in her hands as she pushed the door open with her foot.

"I brought you breakfast."

He nodded in acknowledgement and stood to take the tray from her, while his thoughts raced forward so fast he felt like he was sitting there watching himself think. _So what happens from here? Where do things go? Where is Hikou?_

She seemed to read his mind. Standing before him, her eyes were focused on anything _but_ him, mostly staring determinedly at the floor, occasionally darting up to land on irregular spots on the walls. 

"Will you—will you help me find Hikou later?" she asked softly. "There are many things I—I have to explain to him. I need to see him face to face."

He looked away. "You know I will."

When Kourin had left the room, closing the door noiselessly behind her, he whirled and set the tray down on the bed, seating himself carefully beside it and then picking up a piece of toast. The selfish thoughts he had been trying to push away came back in full force, and he found himself nervously picking at his food more than he was eating it.

_Will Genrou ever come back to me?_

Of course he will, the other part of him responded instantly. _Genrou is an understanding person…he'll know that Kourin only did what she did because of her own problems with Hikou._

But he knew, deep in his heart, that it was not all Kourin's fault. No, the thing which had most broken his lover's heart, he knew, had been his arms unconsciously lifting up to encircle his childhood friend, his hands splayed casually on her lower back. He knew, because he had seen Genrou's eyes drop to his frozen hands, seen the anguish and deep, deep hurt there.

_I wasn't thinking._ He groaned aloud and took another bite, viciously as the sharp truth of his own misgivings slammed into his head. _I was never sure of myself, me and Genrou, was I?_

He finished eating, and with a sigh, stretched out on the bed. Despair was fast threatening to overcome his coherent thoughts, but at least he knew now. If there had to be any reason why this had to happen… _I know what it is. I'm sure of it now, Genrou. I know what I want._ He heard Kourin bustling about outside, and hurried to get ready.

_I'll get you back, Genrou._

The door flung open, and Kourin stood there with the cordless phone hanging limply from her loose clasp, in tears.

"Houjun! I can't find him!"


	12. Prayers

Chapter Ten

"What?" alarm flooded him. Had anything happened to Hikou?

"I tried his cell phone first, but that was a dead line. And then I called his house, but his parents said he hadn't been there in a week. I—I'm worried, Houjun."

He was about to speak when the phone rang shrilly in her hands, making her fumble in shock and drop it. She bent and picked it up, hastily jabbing the call button and intercepting the line. "Hello?"

She listened for a moment, and then her fingers went numb as she looked up into Houjun's anxious face.

"That was his colleague, Soi. She said Hikou didn't turn up for work yesterday and today, and she wanted to know if I knew where he was. Oh, Houjun—"

He was already out the door.

@@@

It was six-thirty in the evening. The solitary figure walked out of the swinging doors of the hospital, a black briefcase clutched in one hand and the jingle of car keys coming from the other where a large white box packed with documents and files was cradled in the crook of the arm. Genrou paused to look up and take in the sunset overhead. The sky was reddening from deep crimson to the shyest of blushes at the far ends of the cloudless sky, and a flock of birds twittered far above before disappearing out of the sight. The setting sun cast a warm glow onto the cement pavements and buildings below, layering across the surroundings with a silent richness. It was almost perfect.

He walked to his car, his eyes blurring with sudden loss of composure.

@@@

Nyan-nyan watched from her office as the young surgeon she had come to care for in his brief period with the hospital drove off noiselessly into the night. She stepped back and let the curtains fall close.

_Take care of yourself, Genrou._

@@@

They had been driving around the whole day, Kourin frantically punching various numbers into his cell phone while he sat, tensed and worried, praying fervently for news. _Hikou, please be all right._

Cold thoughts had wormed their way into his mind the long hours they had searched. _What if he did something foolish? He thinks Kourin and I are—no he wants her back, he told me so. But he's sick—_He refused to think of the cancer— _and he might…he might…would he…_

He pushed the dread away with growing disgust of his own ineptitude and rounded the corner to the intersection, where he stopped the car at the red light. Kourin's urgent questions on the phone seemed distant, faraway, muffled. _Let me find him…please let me find him…_

@@@

Hikou closed his eyes and breathed in the comforting warmth of the bowl of noodles sitting incongruously in front of him. He mentally ran through a few words of grace before he opened his eyes and reached for the chopsticks. 

Suddenly he realized that the soup before him was stained with fresh red blood, and then his vision swooped in a dizzying circle. He tried to stem the nosebleed as his other hand fumbled for the handkerchief in his pocket. The chatter about him seemed to increase in volume, before dying abruptly. He looked up, his focus swimming and plunging into blackness as he fell.


	13. And the telephone rang...

Chapter Eleven

He woke the next morning to sunlight so bright that his eyes began to tear instantly. He turned away on his side, and it was then that the awareness of the throbbing pain in his head sank into his consciousness. It felt cold despite the blankets that were piled over him, and he noted dimly that his feet were bare. 

_Where am I? What was I doing? Did I go somewhere?_

The foggy puzzle pieces of memory seemed to float before his eyes, elongating and spinning slowly in the air. Then the sound of curtains being drawn back sharply caught his wavering attention, and he turned his head slowly to see a fair, plump-faced woman dressed in white with a candy stripper's hat perched on her head, nearly falling into her eyes as she smiled at him.

"Sir? You're awake? What would you like to have for breakfast?"

His gaze moved randomly, from the name engraved on the bright blue badge that was pinned neatly to her collar, to the long, silent tube that traced his fingers and ran up the side of the bed to a post. He was in hospital, then.

"Sir?"

His eyes focused on her again, barely, and she worried for a moment, stepping forward, unsure of what to do next, when he spoke. "Anything will be fine."

She beamed and turned on her heel, walking to the cart outside to get a tray.

@@@

Genrou looked around appreciatively at his new office. It was slightly smaller than the one he had had, but it seemed more spacious, especially with the lack of furniture albeit the necessary desk and a small, neat sofa bed. A large potted plant stood off to one corner, brightening the workplace. He glanced quickly at his desk and noted that his schedule had already been placed there. This hospital was in the main way of the city, and was therefore a lot more crowded. It was exciting, to stand there and know that he was a doctor, a surgeon, and a good one. At least, it was, until he remembered just why he had changed his post.

Angrily, he shut his eyes and ran the back of his hand roughly across his face. He would've thought that the tears would've dried already. How much could one cry? 

The intercom on the wall beeped, its tiny red light flashing. "Paging for…"

@@@

The middle-aged woman sitting quietly in the chair outside the curtains as the nurses bustled within stared at her hands while her husband patted her shoulder, and then resumed pacing.

_Hikou, my son,_ she thought with anguish. _Why did this have to happen to you?_

Her husband stopped in front of her. "We should let Kourin know, shouldn't we?" he asked, his hand already beginning to reach for the cell phone tucked in his front pocket. She nodded as her shoulder shook.

@@@

The phone rang. For a moment, they were both too drowsy to note the significance, before they both bolted up at the same time. Kourin lunged for the frantically ringing object and picked it up from where it had been tossed on the table, and fumbled for the button, finally clicking it.

"Hello?"


	14. Where did he go?

Chapter Twelve

As they walked down the hallway, it seemed quiet. Too quiet for Houjun as he trailed behind Kourin, who moved with such urgency that he almost smiled, because he knew why she was hurrying, and what it meant. Hikou would not be losing his girlfriend anytime soon. Thoughts of love made him swallow a lump in his throat, but he couldn't dwell on it. They reached the door, painted a warm pink, and he reached forward and grasped the cool metal bar, pushing it open. 

The cool touch of the air-conditioner greeted them, hot as they were from rushing to the hospital, and Houjun shivered involuntarily as Kourin slowed, her footsteps making their hesitant path to the single bed that was covered slightly by pastel blue curtains, curtains that rustled as she moved closer and pulled them open. He walked forward, his hands slipping into his pockets as he stood slightly behind Kourin, looking down at the sleeping figure on the bed.

He looked barely a man, lying asleep there, burrowed under the cotton blankets, his hair sticking up in places. But Houjun focused on Hikou's face, pale and waxen, lips slightly parted, appearing to barely just breathe, and his heart tightened as he stumbled forward and took a cold hand in his own. Kourin moved to the other side of the bed, where, seated on two chairs and fast asleep, were Hikou's parents, whom had been hidden by the curtains. She gently stepped over their feet, and went to the head of the bed, where her hand rose and covered the sleeping man's brow, tears already beginning to build and glisten in her eyes. 

Houjun looked away. Now that they had found Hikou, there were no more excuses for the trepidation and hollow fear inside, overshadowing his earlier determination.

"I'll go out for a while," he whispered to Kourin, who nodded absently to him and continued brushing the curls back from Hikou's brow. He retreated and backed out the door, his hand moving to the cell phone in his pocket. He flipped the cover open, scrolled down the list of names, and then stared at the familiar number, hesitating.

_What am I waiting for? I want Genrou back. It was a mistake, what he saw, and I'm sure he'll understand. I'll just call him. God…I need to talk to him so badly. I want to clear this mess up. _

I hate feeling like this.

With that thought, he jabbed the numbers, and, bringing the phone to his ear, waited unconsciously with bated breath as the line began to ring on the other side. _He'll understand, I know he will. But it seems like I've always been hurting him…damn, if I were he, I would have run off too, wouldn't I?_

His thoughts were interrupted when the phone was picked up. "Hello?" he blurted, gripping the phone tighter. "Genrou, I've got to talk to you—"

"Who is this?"

The voice was foreign, and distinctly female. His blood ran cold. Had anything happened to Genrou? He realized the voice had continued talking, and he forced his attention back to what it said.

"—no longer works here, sir. Is there any message I could forward?"

He went blank for a moment. Genrou no longer worked there? Had he quit?

"May I know where he's gone?" He didn't realize he had spoken until the voice chuckled. 

"I'm afraid he wanted his forwarding posting to be kept quiet, but if you are a client or patient of his, then you can refer to me. I take over all his cases. Sir?"

He hung up.


	15. I should never have done it.

Chapter Thirteen

In the dead of the night, Genrou lay awake on the bed, the sheets pulled loosely around him, his eyes raising to idly scan and trace the patterns of the stars that winked down at him through the attic panels of glass that glinted in the moonlight. Outside, downstairs, a lone car drove past, the sound of its engine and loud rock music fading away as surely as it had come. 

He sighed, kicking his left leg slightly so that the edge of the bedcover fell over his toes. _All right. Now I'm calm. It's cool. I can think about this like the rational adult I am._

Was I too hasty? I didn't even give him a chance to explain.

There isn't much to explain when you catch your boyfriend and a woman in lip-lock, do you? the other side of his mind taunted him. Unconsciously, he clenched his jaw, then relaxed. Unbidden, an image of Houjun appeared in his mind, Houjun laughing, his eyes crinkled up at the corners, the sound of his laughter washing out the cold in his heart even as he imagined it.

_Fuck. I miss him._

He fell asleep.

@@@

[The next day]

Kourin woke, her head rested on her arms, which were numb from being held frozen in that position through the night. Uncomfortably, she uncurled slowly and rose, stretching the kinks in her neck and legs, when her gaze landed on the sleeping heap on the other side of the room.

"Houjun," she whispered.

She remembered the day with guilty clarity, his stunned response when she had unthinkingly pressed her lips to his, his utter lack of reaction. At least, there had been a lack of it until she had heard him gasp against their chaste kiss, and he had pushed her to the ground. 

She had never met Houjun's boyfriend, only heard about him. Hikou had never met him either, but had told her that Houjun was happier than they had ever seen him. That was then, at least.

_Oh no. I ruined it,_ she thought miserably.

Houjun looked weary even fast asleep, his eyebrows knotted into a frown, his mouth twisted slightly in worry. He had circles under his eyes, and fresh stubble on his chin. The appearance was so unlike his usual self, meticulous and correct. 

_He was right. I had a crush on him, but it meant nothing. I ran to him for comfort because Hikou was ignoring me, and I felt terrible about it. I said I loved him, but the moment I knew the truth, it hurt inside. So I guess I lied. He knew all along, though. _

She let her gaze fall to his rumpled clothes, his dirty shoes, before sweeping back to land on a pale face in the bed. A small smile touched her lips, but the regret gnawed at her. _Oh Houjun…what can I do to make it up to you?_

They would have to talk. She would have to apologize.

"Kourin?"

With a little yelp, she started, and then calmed, realizing the source of that voice. "Houjun. You're awake?"

"Barely."

They smiled at each other across the room, slow smiles, and small smiles. Kourin looked about her uncertainly, before her earlier determination returned to her. Steeling herself, she walked around the bed, making sure not to disturb the sleeping Hikou, and beckoned to Houjun as she opened the door.


	16. Saying sorry face to face

Chapter Fourteen

Genrou slipped into his office and scanned the table critically, before leaning forward and plucking the top file of the stack. He had pushed Houjun to the back of his head. He hated being at a loss in anything, and this was at best a loss.

An intercom beeped on the wall.

"Paging, Doctor, room 5216."

He moved to the door and opened it, tucking the file under his arm and hurrying along the corridor, searching for the corresponding number and name. _Hikou Yutake…Hikou Yutake…_ Less than two minutes after the door had last opened, his own fingers touched the cool metal bar as he pushed against it, smiling and nodding to the two nurses who were already there to help.

@@@

She didn't know how to start, so she sat down on one of the plastic, orange chairs that adorned the wall as Houjun slipped a few coins into the dispenser and chose a drink. As he walked back, two cups of steaming coffee balanced carefully in his hands, she made up her mind.

"Houjun—"

"Here, could you take one cup first? It's really hot." 

She accepted the proffered drink and bit her lip. Houjun settled into the chair next to hers, closing his eyes with an exhalation as he sipped the thick black liquid. Now that she had been interrupted, her resolve seemed to have evaporated along with the steam rising from the cup.

"You were saying?"

She nearly spilled her coffee.

"Ah—well…"

He looked quizzically at her.

@@@

Genrou frowned as he surveyed the half-conscious man before him, writing something rapidly on the paper and then passing the clipboard to the waiting nurse. When he realized the patient's gaze was focused on him, he quickly rearranged his features into a smile.

"Hello, Mr. Yutake. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Great." The hoarse croak turned Genrou's smile into a genuine one. _Joking this early…well at least he's keeping his spirits up._

"Doctor, how am I doing?"

He blinked. The patient's eyes were fixed on his face. Sighing inwardly, he gestured to the drips that one of the nurses was fastening to the stand next to the bed. "You're a sick man, Mr. Yutake—"

"Hikou."

"Right," he continued smoothly, "—you're a sick man, Hikou. But I'm going to try my best to make you well and keep you alive, you hear?" A half-smile answered him, and he felt strangely gratified even though the noted symptoms were truly alarming. The leukemia was at a bad stage. Genrou turned away and nodded to the nurse, who pulled open the curtains and stepped aside to let him leave.

He could only try to make it less painful.

@@@

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry," she rushed out. Houjun raised an eyebrow, and downed the rest of the coffee.

His reply was so soft she could barely catch it. "What for?"

She closed her eyes. It was all her fault.

"You were right about me," she said instead, opening her eyes and turning slightly to look at him, her cheeks pink.

He didn't look at her, but acknowledged her words with a short nod. They fell silent for a moment.

"Don't worry about it."

She felt a warm hand touch slightly on her own, before withdrawing. 


	17. Jumping to conclusions

Chapter Fifteen

Genrou hurried down the corridor, stopping briefly at the nurse's desk to drop Hikou's file off for the list of the medications to be given. He circled 'Bone Marrow A+' in bright red ink above it, smiled his thanks at the young woman on duty, and hurried to his office. He glanced at his watch. Would there be enough time for a cup of coffee?

_Heck. I need the caffeine._

He backtracked and stood there for a moment, trying to get his bearings. It was easy to get lost in the hospital, but he had memorized the routes as soon as he got here, for the fastest attendance to a patient. With a prayer, he turned the corner to the right, and walked forward swiftly, brushing past two young nurses chattering gaily and rounding the turn as the winking lights of the drink dispenser greeted him. It wasn't the first thing he saw however, but the object of his stunned gaze made him freeze in his tracks.

_Houjun?_

Did you come to find me?

That thought shattered immediately when he saw who sat beside Houjun. He watched, with detached horror, as Houjun lifted a hand and placed it on the woman's with a small smile on his face.

_He came here to dump me officially…that's it…_

"Doctor?" a nurse tapped his shoulder from behind, uncertainly. He whirled, looked at her for a moment, his breathing labored and his eyes dilated and blinking fast, a strangled gasp emerging from his throat. _Well, I don't want to speak to him. I don't want to see him. I won't give them the satisfaction._ He fled.

@@@

Hikou lay in bed, his thoughts flitting randomly from one thing to another. He hurt all over nowadays. 

_Kourin…_

He had awoken to the smell of her, the sense of her presence around him. He loved her, and he knew he had pushed her away. But it was hard not to. She didn't understand. And yet, by not telling her, perhaps he had given her reason not to. _Kourin, I'm so sorry…know that I do love you…I do…_

The door swung open, and he blinked. _I must be dreaming…it must be the drugs…_

"Hikou, you're awake!" she looked anxious, and worried, her familiar face stricken with emotion as she hurried forward. "How are you feeling?"

His eyes switched to the figure behind her, a tired, slumped figure. _Houjun…you told her…_

But what does she feel now?

He had done it this time. He had turned his girlfriend over to his best friend because of his selfish insecurities.

"Hikou." 

His name, whispered in musical syllables that rang in his head, made him turn back and look at her. She was so beautiful, with her hair loose and flowing like this, her eyes sparkling… He realized they were shining with tears.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Hikou. But I will be, now."

He nearly wept when she pressed her small hand into his, and sat by his side. He smiled then, feeling the pricking pain of the needles, of his senses, fading momentarily into the background. 

_Houjun…thank you…_

He remembered vaguely the doctor, suddenly, and felt mildly annoyed. Where did this fit into anything? As he smiled at Kourin, lifting his other hand to touch her face to reassure himself that she was really there, the nagging image of the auburn-haired doctor stayed in his mind.

Was there something he was forgetting?


	18. Thoughts of him...

Chapter Sixteen

The young doctor that passed through the countless corridors of the hospital that day in the ward of his charge seemed cheerful enough. Genrou had enough common sense to know that lives depended on him here, and that while he was involved with his work, at least, he couldn't afford to be distracted. And so, he had been carefully avoiding Hikou's ward, even during his free time when he could have dropped by any of his patients. 

But the day was drawing to a close, and he was heading to his last assigned patient of his schedule. He stopped abruptly before the door, and took a deep breath, savagely shoving back the urge to just sink to the floor and cry. Then he plastered a smile on his face and opened the door, greeting the nurse there and turning his attention to the young girl on the bed.

"Hello, how are we feeling today?"

@@@

Houjun sat back in the chair, feeling every one of his muscles screaming in agony. He had spent the last few hours catching up on all his lost sleep, but it hadn't been a particularly comfortable recovery. As soon as he was fully awake however, his mind zoomed in to the thoughts that had been plaguing his dreams.

_Genrou…where are you? How am I supposed to find you and explain if I don't even know where you are? _

He looked at his watch. Perhaps tomorrow he would go to the hospital Genrou had been working at. He needed to know where the doctor had gone. _I don't care where you ran off to, Gen…I'll find you if it's the last thing I do._

The room was dark, and it was cold. Kourin lay fast asleep on the other couch, her fingers twined snugly with the sleeping Hikou's. A small touched his lips and made his spirit lighter, if only for an instant, but the sight of the couple only served an overall cause of making him turn away and close his eyes.

_I miss you, Genrou._

@@@ 

By the time he trudged back to his office, his shoulders were aching and his feet were sore from running. _I'll never get used to being a doctor,_ he marveled to himself as he unlocked the door and stepped into the cool, dark room. Turning, he tapped the switch, and light flooded the place. Yet he loved it. It was good, knowing that he was saving lives, to know that people were being kept happy and healthy, with his help. It was the reason he had chosen medicine in the first place.

Wasn't it ironic that here he was, bleeding inside, and he couldn't do one thing about it? He laughed to himself, a short bark of mirthless amusement.

_Why did you come today, Houjun? Is breaking my heart once not enough, but you have to come and grind the pieces into dust? How did you find me?_ He had specifically told Nyan-nyan not to let anyone know where he was being posted next. Well, damn. He wasn't going to change his post again. Let Houjun wait forever. He would avoid him as long as he had to.

_Well, now, that was mature,_ a tiny voice in his head mocked.

"So much for giving him a chance to explain," he muttered to himself as he placed the stack of files he had been cradling in his arms carefully on the table. He walked around the table to throw himself into the black plush chair. It squeaked in protest as he reclined, too tired to even curse anymore. 

But even exhaustion couldn't dislodge the images.


	19. Forgetting something

Chapter Seventeen

It was nine in the morning.

Houjun was beginning to wonder if Genrou had truly disappeared. He had never met Genrou's parents, and so couldn't call them, but the hospital had adamantly refused to give out their employees', ex or no, classified information. 

_I could place advertisements on the newspaper and the television and the radio,_ he laughed softly to himself at the thought, but the smile didn't linger. 

He had gone home last night, to shave and freshen up and change his clothes. He would go to the hospital later. As he walked past the telephone however, the blinking green lights of the answering machine rendered him frozen for a moment. Maybe he called?

Leaning down, he jabbed the button impatiently, and tapped his foot as a whir ensued from the machine, before the messages began to rattle off.

Beep. "Houjun? Are you all right? You didn't come for work today. Just concerned. Myou Jyuan." Beep.

Beep. "Houjun? It's been two days. I can't get through to your cell phone." Oh yes, the battery had run flat after he hadn't charged it. "Call me when you get this. Myou Jyuan." Beep.

Beep. "Hey, Houjun! It's been awhile. Tried to get you but there was no answer. Anyway, it's my birthday next week, and there's going to be a party! Get back to me, will you? Ryuuen." Beep.

The message box let out a shrill whine as the dialogue came to an end, and he stood there for a moment longer, staring down at the phone. Then he walked into the bathroom.

@@@

"Hello, Hikou," the young doctor greeted, and Hikou rose weakly as a nurse propped a soft pillow behind his back. The 'blip' of the machine where the green lines rose and traced patterns in accordance with his heartbeat made him turn his attention back to the present as the doctor resumed speaking. "How do you feel?"

Even as he watched the medication being prepared, felt the slight prick of the plaster that covered the needles was carefully torn away, the nagging feeling he had been having returned to the back of his mind.

__

I feel like I'm forgetting something.

The doctor noticed his silence and obviously troubled state of mind, apparently, because he smiled at Hikou as the plumper nurse handed the syringe to him. "Don't worry so much. This is just routine medication, only it's of a slightly higher dosage. But you're doing fine."

He wasn't listening to the doctor, but he was watching him, watching him as a lock of auburn hair fell slightly into his face. 

__

That's it. That's it. 

How many doctors had red hair?

But before he could clear his doubts, the drug began to take effect, and he felt himself sliding almost immediately, the throbbing pain in his senses beginning to numb with a warm afterglow. Just before he closed his eyes, the door opened, and Kourin and his parents walked in, but he was too tired to greet them. 

@@@

As Genrou left the room, he looked around surreptitiously, before he sighed inwardly. 

_You were hoping to see him, weren't you?_

No! he shot back at himself, even as he hurried down the corridor. 

As he turned into his office, he quickly entered and then closed the door, leaning on it, as wild thoughts flashed through his mind.

_I do want to give him a chance. I do. I want him to tell me that everything I saw him do with that girl was a mistake. _

I want him to tell me that he wants me back. 

I want him to say he still loves me.


	20. So close

Chapter Eighteen

He groaned aloud and sank to the floor, burying his head in his hands. "What is _wrong_ with you, Genrou," he asked himself sarcastically. "You push him away when you want him here."

Deep inside, the despair that he had been holding at bay threatened to spill over. It had been two days. Houjun hadn't found him. Which was close to impossible, considering that since Houjun knew he was here, all he had to do was stop at the information desk and page for him. 

_But he hasn't._

Maybe he just doesn't want to see me. Maybe all I'm doing is ruining his life.

@@@

The sun hung high in the sky, casting warm rays through the glass windows. Kourin pulled the curtains shut and sat down beside Hikou, who was still drowsing. 

Houjun sat on the other end of the bed. He had been silent since he came, and Kourin was worried.

"Jun?"

He turned slightly and looked at her, but stayed silent. She hesitated, debated, and then decided to push ahead.

"Have you and Genrou gotten things back together?"

The look in his eyes almost made her back down, but the guilt of the knowledge that she had been the cause of their misunderstanding made her continue.

"I could speak to him, Houjun. He has to know it was all a mistake."

He turned away. The words were barely audible, and she strained to hear what he said.

"I can't find him."

She blinked. "What?"

"He arranged to be posted somewhere. They won't tell me where he's gone."

Rising, she went to him, careful not to jostle the bed as she left her seat and walked over. Bending down, she put her hands on top of his lightly, looking at him in the eye. Houjun shifted sharply, but she had already seen the moisture that traced the corners of his lidded eyes.

"Don't give up."

And then she hugged him, and he let her, his body shaking in the silent repression of emotion he had bottled up inside. This is all my fault, Houjun. I'm so sorry.

"What if he's gone forever?" the whisper was accompanied by a violent jerk of his body. "What if I never see him again?"

She patted his back, wishing desperately that she had never done what she had that night.

"Gods, Kourin, I miss Genrou. I miss him so much."

@@@

It was lunch break, but he wasn't hungry and his next appointment was scheduled for one-thirty. Genrou paced his office restlessly, his lab coat already discarded on the couch, and his files almost haphazard on the desk where he had carelessly set them down earlier.

_Stop it!_ he admonished himself sternly. 

_I won't let my personal problems get in the way of my work_.

With that thought, he rose and grabbed the coat, pulling it on. _I'll just go look in on my patients._

He moved swiftly, smiling and nodding to the nurses and doctors he recognized after his short time there. Coming to the corner room, he paused and thought momentarily, before taking a sharp turn left. Walking to the last room, he quietly stepped in.

The curtains were drawn around the bed, and there were two silhouettes there, stark against the brightness of the sunlight that streamed into the room. He could dimly hear the a woman speaking, though the words weren't very clear. He stepped closer, and froze. 

"I could speak to him, Houjun. He has to know it was all a mistake."


	21. Duty

Chapter Nineteen

One of the shadows stood and detached itself from the side, moving closer to the other. The profile seemed strangely familiar. But he was too shaken to note that, now.

Not when a voice spoke, strangled and hoarse with crying, a voice that made him still and his heartbeat grow strangely loud, pulsing in his eardrums. 

"I can't find him."

A moment's pause. "What?"

"He arranged to be posted somewhere. They won't tell me where he's gone."

His heart twisted as he took a step back, his emotions racing along with each delicate nuance of the voice within the curtains, missing the next few murmured parts of the conversation. 

_It's my imagination. He wants to find me, but it could mean anything…it could mean anything…_

"Gods, Kourin, I miss Genrou. I miss him so much."

It was at that moment that the high pitched alarm of the electrocardiograph machine rang.

@@@

Houjun spun and stared at the flat line on the machine. Panic flooded him. Kourin's eyes were opened wide as she stepped back, unable to believe what she was hearing, refusing to accept what it meant. And then she reacted.

"Get a doctor!" she screamed, rushing to Hikou's bedside, grabbing the limp hand and squeezing it with a death-grip. 

_Oh god…no…please…Hikou…_

His feet seemed frozen to the ground for a long time, yet in reality it was but a few seconds before he moved and tore the curtains open, stepping out and preparing to run for help. 

@@@

The curtains were yanked open and the metal fastenings clinked loudly as a man emerged, his eyes unfocused in shock and his mouth slightly open as he panted. Genrou couldn't move. 

Time stood still in that instant, surreal and unlike anything he had ever experienced before. 

They had been apart for only a week, and yet that time had spanned centuries in their souls. Even as he took in the sight of Houjun, his heart thirsty for just that sight, the beloved face, the lips whose taste lingered in his memory, the slight posture he remembered, and the eyes that had dilated on seeing him. They stood there, silent, before the whine of the machine and Kourin's screams jerked them, as if in slow motion, back to the present.

Genrou moved first. He spun and ran out the door, calling urgently for nurses and respiratory help equipment, his coat swirling in the bright sunlight that seemed to engulf the space he had stood in only a moment ago. Suddenly, the room was flooded with people, the dull clunk as machines and voices alike filled the air. 

"Go, go, go!" Genrou's voice was cracking slightly, but he rang the last intercom for a senior doctor before he turned back and rushed into the room, past the unmoving man, and the hysterical woman, whom the nurses dragged back and out, their eyes filled with sympathy. The nurses made way for him as he pulled on the gloves that were handed him, reaching for the handles of the revival mechanism, nodding to the IC at a hand-sign for voltage. He didn't look back as the stand-by nurses ushered Kourin and Houjun out of the room, didn't spare a glance as the curtains pulled shut around him.


	22. Face to face

Chapter Twenty

"Don't let Houjun or Kourin see you cry, Mayumi," Mr. Yutake said after a pause. They stood there, at the coffee machine, side by side, clasping the hot cups as the steam twirled lazily into the air. "These kids...they really care for our boy, you can tell. I don't think they need any more—"

The shrill sound of the alarm down the hall cut him off. The plastic cup fell from Mrs. Yutake's nerveless fingers to the ground. The black coffee splashed onto the white linoleum, staining the floor.

@@@

Kourin buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking as she slumped against the wall, her body half-blocking the doorway. Sobs wracked her body.

_Please don't leave me, Hikou. Please don't leave me here alone. _

@@@

Houjun snapped back to reality with the harsh drawing of the curtains. The sunlight was filtering past the moving bodies within, casting dappling shadows that fell across his feet as they danced. They were talking, low, urgent words that meant nothing to him, made no sense even as he knew he heard them.

"Increase voltage," he heard Genrou snap. Instinctively, he moved forward, but stopped just as suddenly, his hands falling to his sides.

_The gods must be playing a trick on me. My best friend is unconscious and the man I love is operating on him._

From behind, another man emerged, pushing past him swiftly. The senior doctor. Did it even matter? Yes. Yes, of course it did. He was going to save Hikou's life.

There were dim words of command, harsh breathing, the insistent beep of the machines that swirled around him. "Pass me those." "Inject the drug now!" "We're going to try one more time!"

He sensed more than saw the body rise and fall with the electricity, imagined more than knew the faint pulse stirring in Hikou's failing heart. He closed his eyes and he prayed.

@@@

Genrou breathed in relief when the senior doctor entered, as the nurses cleared to give them space. "He won't revive."

The older man acknowledged it with a nod, his eyes glued sharply to the readings registering on the screen. "Get the medication. Three doses. We're not giving this up."

Genrou passed the handles of the revival machine over, and turned as the nurse there held out a prepared syringe. He took it, checked for air bubbles swiftly, and then turned back. Catching the determined look in the senior doctor's eyes, and the cue when the other man nodded, he held Hikou's arm and injected the drug as the first jolt shook the limp body.

@@@

It was only a few moments, but it seemed like hours, hours that they stood there, waiting anxiously. But when the curtains drew open, and the tired staff streamed out, Houjun knew.

Through the open curtains, he could see Hikou's feet, covered by the white blanket snugly. The machines had gone silent. And the flash of auburn hair as Genrou walked towards him, the emotion in the eyes he had fallen in love with so long ago, only made him surer.

Genrou's steps were soft as he walked towards them, his white coat falling open slightly. He stopped when he was beside Houjun, and bowed his head fractionally, silently. Then he walked further on, halting in front of Kourin, and where Mr. and Mrs. Yutake stood clasping their hands in hope, before turning to face them.

"I'm sorry."

@@@

Author's Note

The End. All right. I'm kidding, LOL. Please don't flame me for this chapter. From your reviews, I know a lot of you wanted Hikou to live, but that was not the original idea I wrote out a month ago, and therefore the death will not be altered. 

Speaking of reviews, I would like to take the opportunity to thank you all for taking the time and effort (for those of you who have, anyway) to review this fiction so far. :) I do appreciate it.


	23. Blaming

Chapter Twenty One

Friday morning turned out cool and cloudy. 

As the procession made its silent way across the wet grass, Houjun kept his gaze straight, his head up, cradling the single red rose in his hand. 

They stopped by the prepared grave, and then the men changed positions, leveling the obsidian casket rather than lifting it. With soft grunts and a few creaking of joints, the body was lowered into the earth.

The clouds were gathering now, darkening the sky, and a light drizzle was already beginning to whip its way across the tombstones. Houjun turned his face up, sinking into the coldness of the water droplets, as quiet sobs filled the air. They lined up more or less, and the walk around the burial plot for a final glimpse at the young man who had been taken away from them. As he walked, he felt his shoes slide slightly on the slippery ground.

He approached the grave, and stood there, halting sharply as he looked down, down. With a final prayer, he lifted his hand and threw the rose. It fell in a graceful arc, landing with a noiseless impact on the hard wood. He stared at it a moment longer, before moving away.

From far behind the milling crowd, hidden partly behind the obscuration of trees and mid-morning shadows, in a red car that seemed out of place in the circumstances parked, unmoving.

@@@

He remembered what his mentor at university had told him once.

_"When you choose to become a doctor, Genrou, you can't forget that it's only about healing. People will die under your hands even as you fight to save them. Families will look at you and you will bring light back into their eyes, or shatter their hearts with your news. You must always remember that at the end of the day, it is not what they feel, as much as it is how you react."_

Yes. It was true, what had been said. Only now, the confusion and loneliness battling within him had everything to do with his failure to save Hikou Yutake. 

_Or does it?_ his mind taunted.

His hands clasping lightly the steering wheel, he glanced over at the crowd again, garbed in black and veils and mourning. _Why am I here? Why did I come? _

And then he saw him.

Attired neatly in a dark gray suit, his longish hair combed back loosely over his ears and holding a single rose in one hand, Houjun walked towards the grave. He slowed as he approached, and then stopped, staring down into the bed which would keep the body of his childhood friend. And then he tossed the rose in, before turning away.

His heart thumped uncomfortably, and in that moment, he had the sudden urge to just bow his head and cry.

_He blames me. Why wouldn't he?_

The injustice and anger he had thought were his rights after _that_ day had faded into the recesses of his mind. Even the hurt that had filled him when he had seen Houjun and Kourin at the hospital seemed to have disappeared, and all that was left was a hollow emptiness.

_I'm so sorry, Houjun. _

He tore his eyes away and floored the accelerator.


	24. Searching inside

Chapter Twenty Two

The wind was blowing, and in it he seemed to hear melodies, singing whispers that lanced through his hair gently. Singing the memories of Hikou that he knew he would never let go. 

As Houjun stepped aside, the gravel crunched loudly beneath his feet, a harsh sound in the quiet. It took him a few moments to be aware that the noise was growing louder, until he realized it wasn't him, and looked up, whirling sharply to where the sound was fading.

The taillights of the red car winked and flared once before the vehicle crested the ridge and disappeared. 

_Genrou!_

The certainty pierced his heart, even as he involuntarily turned his face back to where the men had surrounded the plot, and the people gather a way away, the disjointed sobs and wails becoming louder as the first spade of earth fell over the casket.

The priest began to pray in a loud voice that rang over the sorrow, but he couldn't put his heart into it, somehow. He knew he should. This was Hikou, after all. His best friend.

"—and may the Father bless his soul as he—"

Houjun turned the prayer out completely. His heart was beginning to race. He took a few steps back, further, further, until he bumped into a post and stilled, his thoughts flying ahead.

_Genrou. _

Genrou.

Conflicting emotions tore through him even as he shook his head to clear it.

*Flashback

"Do you love Kourin?"

He was too busy panicking even as Hikou spoke. _Will Genrou come back? Oh god, what have I done? _

Hikou stepped closer, looking at him intently.

_I should have pushed her away faster. I should never have let her get close to me…_

"No," his best friend said, after another moment of his continual silence. "You're too in love with someone else."

_I have to find him, I have to explain…_

"You're so lucky, you know," Hikou glanced sideways, tilting his head as he spoke softly, more to himself than to Houjun. "You're alive and well. He's alive and well. And you love him."

_If I find him…_ the blood froze cold in his veins. _If I find him, will he ever take me back? _

Hikou finally realized that Houjun wasn't paying the least bit of attention to him, and stopped talking. He leant forward to tap Houjun's shoulder, and only then did focus slide back into the mahogany eyes.

"What?" he snapped. Hikou looked away.

"I have cancer, Houjun."

*End of Flashback

"—and forever and ever. Amen."

_You're so lucky, you know. You're alive and well. He's alive and well. And you love him._

I love him.

Forever and ever. Amen.

Tears of relief spilled from his eyes, hot tears that he had been holding back too long. He buried his face in his hands and cried, giving up all his burdens, his sorrows and his frustration to the gentle wind. He cried for a long while.

And then he sensed someone else standing in front of him.


	25. Not just love anymore

Chapter Twenty Three

"Kourin," he lifted his gaze and smiled helplessly at her. "Kourin." He couldn't manage anything else.

She smiled back, but her eyes were determined and her shoulders were set. There was light in them now. _Hikou, I would have been yours, body and soul, if you had only asked. I thought you would leave me once you were gone from this place, but I feel you stronger than ever now. Stay with me, my love._

Her gaze trapped Houjun's intently. "You wanted him back," she reminded him softly. "Nothing should stop you now." Her hand rose and she gestured slightly in the direction of the dispersing crowd behind. "This…this has nothing to do with him, Houjun. Hikou didn't die because of him. Hikou died because—" she closed her eyes and offered a silent prayer above, "—because he had leukemia."

She opened her eyes. Her old friend stood there, staring at her, the traces of tears still glistening on his cheeks. But he was listening to her. She knew his grief, and hers perhaps cut deeper than his did, because she had never had a second chance. But she would make certain that he would. _If only for you, Hikou. But it's not. This has to be for him._

"Go to him, Houjun. He needs you. And you need him. Now, more than ever."

@@@

She watched as the car sped off into the dawning sunlight, and a slow smile spread across her face.

_This is the way things should be._

@@@

As he turned the car smoothly out the cemetery gates, he reached forward and pressed the radio switch. The noisy chatter of the deejays filled the morning as he wound the hood above down, reveling in the sudden lightness of his heart.

"I'm going to find you, now, Genrou," he murmured softly, slowing down at the intersection and signaling to turn. "If only because—"

_You're alive. He's alive. And you love him._ Hikou's words echoed in his head, a new mantra of strength lending him faith and hope.

__

You belong to me. And I belong to you.

This is not just love anymore.

He spun the steering wheel sharply, turning on the highway, one hand letting go of the wheel to push back his fringe. 

__

All along, since that first day, you've had me. Just something about you, something that strikes me so deep in my heart that I feel sure I'd die without you. Knowing you, knowing your taste, knowing your touch…this is love and so much more, Genrou.

Glancing in his rearview mirror and noting that there were no cars behind, he slowed cautiously, and then shrugged out of the jacket, rolling up his sleeves and tossing the gray material into the backseat of the car. The low, husky voice of Barry Manilo flooded the car through the speakers.

__

You know I can't smile without you

I can't smile without you

I can't laugh and I can't sing

I'm findin' it hard to do anything

He undid the tie and threw it just as carelessly as the jacket to the back, not caring if it actually landed in the car or not. 

__

You see I feel sad when you're sad

I feel glad when you're glad

If you only knew what I'm goin' through

I just can't smile without you

He spotted the exit, and steered quickly into the farthermost lane.


	26. Finding him

Chapter Twenty Four

Genrou grabbed his briefcase from the booth and locked the car before making his way to the hospital entrance. The doors slid open, and the refreshing cool of the air-conditioners greeted him. Smiling slightly to the receptionists on duty, he hurried in, his steps moving quickly towards the doctors' block. As he waited for the elevator, his gaze fixed on the floor tiles.

It was not like he had never been part of a tragedy. During his internship alone, he had witnessed so many times the agony that came with death, not to mention his time as a surgeon and practitioner. 

_Yet this time is different,_ he silently admitted. _I didn't know Hikou Yutake as a person. I couldn't save him. But it mattered to—to—_

The lift doors opened, and he stepped in, almost glad to have his thoughts interrupted. He knew how dangerous it was when doctors got preoccupied with their failures, so set back by them that they could never heal again. And he shuddered at the thought. 

_But still…_ The guilt plagued him. That, as well as the fact that he was in downright, complete misery. 

"I'll never see him again," he said aloud. The words echoed emptily in the lift, and he looked down, tightening his grip on his briefcase and forcing the tears back. _I'll forget him, and he'll become a memory, and I'll look back on it all and think it was funny…_

The chime tinkled softly as the elevator reached the intended floor, and the doors started to slide open, smoothly and with a soft swish. He hurriedly brought the back of his hand up to draw across his face, smoothing the tears dry. He would not let personal problems interfere with his work. It had become a personal mantra.

_I will not let personal—_

"Hey."

Shock coursed through his veins as his head snapped up and the briefcase fell from fingers that had suddenly gone numb.

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Houjun almost enjoyed the look on Genrou's face. Almost, but not quite, because standing there now, with nothing between them, no more excuses to be spoken, a million different emotions rushed through him.

@@@

He looked disheveled, to say the least, with his white shirt rolled up to his elbows and the top few buttons undone, his bluish hair falling over his face into his eyes. He was breathing heavily, and perspiring.

_He was at the cemetery when I left…god, he must have ran all the way here._

As if he had read his mind, Houjun bit his lip, and shook the bangs out of his face, hand still holding the door open. "I ran all the way up."

Genrou didn't quite know what to do, so his facial expression stayed frozen in that of stunned amazement.

_Is he really here?_

A nurse popped out behind Houjun, her glare suspicious as she cleared her throat. "I'm going to have to ask you to stop blocking the elevator like that, mister—oh good morning, Doctor Genrou!"

He ignored her, but kept his gaze fixed on Houjun as the older man released the bar and stepped into the lift, his hand snaking out to press the 'Close' button on the wall. 


	27. Patching

Chapter Twenty Five

_Why did he come to find me? Did he come to blame me for Hikou's death? Did he come to make the split final once and for all?_ The last thought made him gulp convulsively before he could help it, as he backed away. _Because, despite all I say or do or pretend…_

All I really want is for you to come back to me, Houjun.

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Houjun saw Genrou opening his mouth to say something, and his brain instinctively told him to take his chances. He darted forward and before any other words could pass between them, he lightly pressed his lips against the younger man's.

*Flashback

He looked at Kourin, and his smile faded.

"What if—what if he doesn't want me back, Kourin?" he tried to keep his voice as level as he could, but he knew that she could hear as clearly as he could that it was shaking. She looked back at him, her light brown eyes tiredly amused all of a sudden.

"Are you going to give him up just like that, Houjun?"

*End of Flashback

_No. No, I won't let you go like that. You can scold me, swear at me, hit me; you can do whatever you want to me, Genrou. But it's not going to change anything I feel for you. _

He pressed closer, his hands wrapping about Genrou's wrists tightly as he inhaled the familiar scent, taking in the soft lips, the familiar sensations. Genrou didn't respond.

_Give me another chance, Genrou._

He broke free, withdrawing a few inches, his hands still wrapped tightly about slender fingers as he gazed into the fiery depths of amber eyes whose spirit he had nearly all but forgotten in the distance each of them had placed in between the other. 

He released one of the slim wrists, and hesitantly caressed Genrou's cheek. "There is nothing going on between me and Kourin, Genrou. She was upset that Hikou had been ignoring her, and she thought she would find better with me. She was wrong. And I was wrong, too."

@@@

He felt strangely boneless as he slumped against the wall, staring at Houjun, and unconsciously his free hand rose and touched his lips. And to his horror, he felt words spill from his mouth, babbling incoherently.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't save Hikou, Houjun," he blurted, his cheeks flushing slightly from the way the older man was looking at him. He turned his head, but a gentle hand grasped his chin and lightly brought him to face front again. "I understand if you want to—to leave me, and I don't mind whether you're with Kourin or not—"

_Lies!_ He thought desperately, even as his mind struggled to make sense of what he was saying. _I'm a liar!_

"Genrou," Houjun interrupted him gently, his hand moving to cover his lips, "Genrou, stop. Listen to me."

He closed his mouth with a snap.

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Houjun let his gaze wander, travel over the smooth contours of Genrou's face, before he finally met amber ones, slightly glazed over. He grew serious. "It wasn't your fault, Genrou."


	28. Will you...?

Chapter Twenty Six

He couldn't help it. He had to know.

"Do you really mean that?" he blurted.

The lift doors opened to the lobby as the chime rang through the lift. Two nurses and a doctor looked up, then blinked. With a sigh, Houjun turned and smiled at them politely, before pressing the 'Close' button and jabbing the highest level. He stood like that a moment, his back to Genrou, and the younger man began to feel trepidation again. 

Genrou bent down slowly and picked his briefcase up. They stayed like that, silent as the lift rose. Turning slightly, Houjun made a sudden grab for his hand and then pulled him out of the lift, towards the stairwell, where he pushed the door open and lead Genrou upstairs. He opened the door to the rooftop.

It was still only late morning. The rain that had come with the dawn had subsided, but only just. The sun was still hidden largely behind the wispy clouds, at least when viewed here, from the city center. Up where they stood, quietly, on the twenty-third floor, there was just a hint of a breeze that surrounded them.

__

I never needed love

Like I need you

And I never lived for nobody

But I live for you

Houjun turned to face him, his eyes clear.

"Yes. I really mean that."

Walking forward, he led Genrou by the hand, stopping a few meters away from the edge of the raised platform. They stood there, looking out over the city, before the older man turned, his other hand reaching into his pocket.

__

Maybe it's the way you touch me

With the warmth of a sun

Maybe it's the way you smile,

And I come all undone

"I missed you, Genrou," he whispered.

The light that shone in the redhead's eyes gave him all the answer he needed. He stepped forward, spontaneously abandoning what he was looking for as he crushed the younger man to his body, burying his head in Genrou's shoulder, gratified beyond words as equally searching arms curved around his waist and the briefcase clattered to the ground.

"I missed you too, Houjun." Happiness swelled the rapid beating of his heart.

How long they stood there, clasped in an embrace that neither wanted to ever end, Houjun never knew. At length, he finally disentangled himself just enough to smile at his lover, and rummage in his pocket again. 

"I'll never give you reason to run out on me again," he promised solemnly, leaning forward with the sudden urge to rain feather-like kisses on the redhead if only to make sure he was really there. "Never."

__

I never cared for nobody

Like I care for you

And I never wanted to share the things

I want to share with you

His fingers closed around the small box, and he stepped back, reassuring the questioning look in Genrou's eyes as he smiled.

"This was supposed to be for our anniversary," he shrugged lightly and brought the gift box up to eye level. "But I say, better late than never." He opened the box, and sank to one knee.

__

Let the world stop turning

Let the sun stop burning

Let them tell me love's not worth going through

If it all falls apart

I will know deep in my heart

The only dream that mattered had come true

In this life, I was loved by you…

"Will you marry me?"

The End


	29. Epilogue

Epilogue

[A week later]

The sun was setting overhead, casting surreal orange glows on the beach. Below, under the expanse of the rose-tinted sky, shouts and laughter filled the air.

"Myou Jyuan!" Ryuuen screeched as the taller man raced away from where he had dumped the latter, holding his sides and laughing so hard that tears spilled from his eyes. Glowering, Ryuuen clambered out of the shallow hole as surf lapped at his feet. "I'll get you for that!"

It was Ryuuen's birthday party. As Houjun dug his heels into the soft brown sand and closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of the cool wind on his face, a smile curved involuntarily on his face.

_I won't mourn you, Hikou. I'll celebrate your memory with my life. Are you watching this, Hikou?_

The sharp cries of the seagulls overhead made him open his eyes, and he turned and focused on Genrou, who stood about a hundred yards away across the beach, laughing as he spiked the ball over the net where it landed at Saihitei's feet, who proceeded to run off with the ball. Watching the auburn-haired man, Houjun lifted his hand slightly, to touch the cool band of silver that hung around his neck from a slim chain.

*Flashback

Genrou's eyes softened as he bent down and pulled Houjun into a hug, but when he moved back, Houjun knew what his lover's answer was.

"I don't want to marry you." There was a lingering smile on his face even as he reached out and gently tucked the loose strands of dark hair behind Houjun's ear, before drawing close to the older man again. 

"I don't ever want to take you for granted," he whispered quietly. "I want us to be like this forever, feeling new, feeling free. Free to choose, and free to love, Houjun. No obligations, never tied down."

__

And all I want is to make you happy, Genrou.

He reached out and embraced the younger man fiercely, enveloping him in his arms as the ring clattered to the floor.

*End of Flashback

__

If my loving you

Could change the river's flow

I would not let you drift away from me

I'd never let you go

Small waves crashed onto the shore, the foamy white edge of the water circling around his ankles as he let his hand fall. 

__

In another life

In another place

I'd have held you close

I'd have known your grace

"I can wait, Genrou," he said aloud, softly. _I can wait._

Feeling the laughter bubble up inside of him, he took one last look out to the sea, marveling in how the dappling rays of the setting sun reflected in the dark green water. Then he began to run, back towards the barbecue pits where the people milled around, tossing Frisbees, and where the music from the radio wafted in the breeze. 

__

In another world

In another time

You'd be mine

You'd be mine

The End


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